I am prone to viscous fits of anxiety. Svetlana told Selin:
You always think everyone is angry. Try to have some perspective.
And I can attest to that. I would say that about 90% of my fears and paranoia are imaginary and unlikely. They might have been references to previous episodes of my life (how stupidly funny to think of life in these terms), but they have not happen nonetheless. To gain perspective is beneficial in the sense that you can get out of your own sick head. A recent occurrence in my humble life have reminded me of a perspective occasional, a thought harsh yet gently soothing.
The world does not revolve around you.
Truth. There is no contest and there is no singular being that this does not apply to. My mother have told me this before in response to my school anxiety. Though the words she used were “they have their own lives,” which is the more pleasant variant of the same idea. It was very helpful for me and deepened my internalization of it.
I have felt self-centered because of anxiety. I feared I might be a narcissist. I know no one bothers to think of me as much as I worry about it. Yet my worry persists. The truth is that I do not even believe in my thoughts, I just feel them. I worry not of their thoughts, but of the possibility that a fracture of time I was visible to them, would determine their judgment of my character for ever. I worried that these small bits of details would seep into conversations and spread like the plague further pushing me into social void. But who actually has the time?
I started truly practicing the idea. No one is that full of hate or full of the time for it. I would be overcome with panic before observing the surroundings, truly looking at them and seeing their lives. The beauty of it is that you start thinking about your own life too. What do I think about when I am not in a state of fear?
The recent occurrence that reminded me of this subject, has provided a rather interesting (for me), clumsy (for him), and awkward (for our third party, likely) conversation. Its imprints in my head, I want to translate here. The situation is rooted in an encounter from early last year. As briefly as I can (no promises) I will detail the matter:
I was a particularly reserved and anxious person. I guess in a subtle way I was notorious for it. I went to class regularly and intentionally early, I was seated by 5 AM. Occasionally I was joined by others, in this case a group of boys, nerdy I’d say, I won’t bother with descriptions and assumptions right now.
One of them, E, sat next to me. I have never interacted with this man before and yet he came with the questions straightforwardly. Most memorably, he asked me if I was having a hard time making friends. And he was laughing! It was silly, looking at it now, but at that time it really troubled me. It was always clear for me that it was not out of curiosity or concern, and rather ridicule and negligence of my feelings. I do not remember how I responded though I recall that his friend L laughed and told him to stop speaking to me because I was busy.
This academic year, I feel considerably better. He is the same, friendly, accommodating, and tactless (he still asked me questions like that, though now I only laughed and acted insulted). We are, I suppose, on better terms and are able to talk to each other, although very rarely.
I adopted an almost mean attitude towards him, but I do not offend him. I only try to be as less friendly and easy going as I can. He would call me cold, and I would justify my behavior as a response to his thoughtlessness in speaking with me, citing the event from last year. We were working on a club event when this conversation happened again and we laughed about it with my friend S.
The three of us would have the same conversation last Tuesday. This time, he revealed a detail completely unbeknownst to me. Apparently it was a “challenge” by L, a guy who I thought of fondly for being intelligent, well-spoken, and nice. L said to interact with me and ask me that question. S and I were appalled, we never expected it. I told him that it was awful and insensitive. What I could have excused as mere terrible instinct turned out to have at least some idea behind it. He said it was honestly just a joke and that it should have been dropped since well before this conversation. I am guilty of bringing it up constantly but I only mean to make fun now. I guess he did not take it this way. He said I should not be upset because:
The world does not revolve around you.
I stop the story now and get back to the point of this post. The fact of the world not revolving around anyone is true. But while the world does not revolve around us, we still view the world with our own eyes and in our own heads. Being in our head is a chronic state. We may minimize its magnitude but no amount of perspective can wholly uproot you from your brain. To apply that thinking into your interactions with others is harmful. As I have witnessed, it is mean and hurtful to hear. The advice, on paper, is harmless and reasonable, but in reality it runs the risk of cruelty. We can justify a lot of behaviors by saying that the world does not revolve around our victim but we are not absolved at all, we would be cruel. I do not expect kindness and consideration as a privilege but as a right.
I worry that, in light of mental health awareness, inflation of self help books, and the ‘that girl’ mindset, we forget our sympathy. We think of these mind games and patterns and signs as if every little thing is a symbol of war. In this manner, indeed we are becoming self-centered. One could say that all feelings are valid, which is true in the sense that your feelings are real and should be considered. But are all of them reasonable?
In Big Swiss, Flavia is determined to detach from her victimhood, to the point of coldness while Greta is always in hers, using it is as a shield. I believe these perspectives to be productive to the conversation. Some perspectives are for your self and some are for others. Personally, I would strive to be more like Flavia and have more control over myself. Yet in reality, I anticipate that other people are likelier to feel like Greta and understandably so. In turn, I would be considerate of their behavior and temperament. Of course, within reason.
There is no One True perspective. There is no universal self-help tip. Our treatment of ourselves and others will always go back to: kindness.
thank you for reading !
Mentioned:
Here Comes the Sun by The Beatles
The Idiot by Elif Batuman (Again)
Big Swiss by Jen Beagin (I swear this is like a romcom but is actually funny and has the right ending)
Random Recommendation:
Case Study by Graeme Macrae Burnet - wonderful fiction that reads like nonfic, about a woman seeing a psychologist she suspects is in some way detrimental to the suicide of her sister.
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Wonderful post!
It reminded me of this quote from seneca: "We suffer more in imagination than reality."
By the way, Here Comes The Sun is one of my most favorite beatles song.